I’ve grown up in an ethnic family and community that has instilled a sense of togetherness with a great support network. This standard of living has been passed down through generations stemming from the villages in the middle east. Something I am proud of and grateful for. However, there are some drawbacks with this that don’t quite adhere to our modernised culture. It causes unnecessary stress to our already busy lives. Obligation! Yes, obligations and people pleasing.
The kind where you have to visit people and keep up appearances. From new born cute things to unfortunate deaths. Sicknesses to “their great aunt saw your late grandmother 20 years ago” type of visits. I can understand where this originated and why but there comes a time when it becomes exhausting. Hence, this so-called people pleasing needs to stop.
It wasn’t long ago, after dinner at my folks, where mum said to me “one of our family friends grandfather passed away, so it would be nice for you to come with us to the funeral service”. Hmmm… my response was “I don’t even know who you are talking about and it’s just going to be awkward”. More simply, I just said “no”.
Who am I pleasing here, my parents or the other party? And why is it my obligation to go? I guess I don’t need to answer that because of the decision I made to say “no”. I initially felt guilty believing I was letting someone down. Eventually, that feeling faded and the guilt was replaced with relief and a new sense of freedom. Wow, the cycle was broken!
Saying no is empowering and delivers a clear message. It says I will no longer fulfil any obligations they want or believe it’s the “right” thing to do. Those days are gone. As a result, what was once accepted 20 years ago in ethnic cultures is no longer adhered to. This is the modernised world we now live in where time has become our number one commodity.
My friends and family will always get the support needed from me and I do focus all my energy on people I care about. I’m not saying that acquaintances via family don’t deserve this but in truth, if it’s not coming from my heart, it’s wasted energy. This is the underlying distinction when I consider saying yes or no. You see, the energy you give in supporting that person, will be genuinely felt by both of you and that’s what matters.
There are different ways to show respect to the scenarios I mentioned above, but people pleasing through obligations does not need to be the way.
On top of all this, I have a very large extended family and to visit every person when anything happens would be a colossal effort. In other words, I would be on the road at least 20 hours a week fulfilling my obligations and pleasing those just for the sake of it!!